the rich keep getting richer.
Members
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
Things Fantasy Football Players Say
By Scottie Figueroa
Just ran into this quick, funny video about what most Fantasy Football players say. I find it pretty spot on and it's now clear to me why non-Fantasy players are absolutely annoyed with some of these repeated sayings.
"I would've won last year!" "Why would I make that trade?!" "All I need is Tony Romo to throw 9 touchdowns!"
Just ran into this quick, funny video about what most Fantasy Football players say. I find it pretty spot on and it's now clear to me why non-Fantasy players are absolutely annoyed with some of these repeated sayings.
"I would've won last year!" "Why would I make that trade?!" "All I need is Tony Romo to throw 9 touchdowns!"
The Musings of a Meatless Musician
By Benny Ward
random thoughts.
Coby - you're a cool dude. I still know your number. 903-COBY. I remember our times on the football field and the track..... never thought I'd be doing a write up about you in a fantasy league in my mid-twenties. coby, where ever you are, hope the surfs good.
Trent - I pretty much saved your life. not really. but that's what I tell people. I still remember that fateful night. I was hanging with some chick and I saw your number pop up on my phone. I thought, why is he calling me and not Alex? I still don't know why I answered, but I'm glad I did. you're a weird but cool dude. you seem to know a lot about football, but your team still always sucks. anyway, hope med school or whatever the fuck you doing is sick.
Epstein - I don't know you. in my mind you look like Mike puncel (for those who know who that is) you seem like a pretty low key dude. I like that. I don't know why you tend to be so good in fantasy. but I could say the same about myself. I don't think we'll ever meet, but I'm okay with that.
Peter - I liked you more before fantasy. in middle school and high school I thought your were p cool, but now you just seem like a total douche. I could be wrong. didn't you go to school in riverside? that must have sucked. I'm going to kick your ass this week. that is all.
Rios - such an enigma to me. you always were p chill, but I never thought you were as cool as people made you out to be. my first encounter with you was in football and you were puking up eggs on the field. I've never forgotten that and have always been a little grossed out by you. seems like you're doing cool shit with usc now. I'm sure you're really proud of that.
Cory - never thought much of you. you were always that lacrosse kid that I never talked to. I'm a little surprise you like football so much. but you like my dog and you seem p chill right now in life. I've said more to you in the last 12 hours than I did throughout high school. you cool dude.
Joel - met you playing hockey. weird. you're a cool dude. you came to my show and bought a shirt. that was v sick. I forget what you're doing in Seattle, but it's dope you live there unlike most these nerds. sorry you're team sucks this year. but I'm sure you're used to it by now.
Frank - we were never close. I don't know why we ever would be. you were always just that soccer kid who happened to do track. I always forget you're in this league. I have no reason not to like you. but at the same time no reason to really think your too cool. so yeah.
Gowdy - I've grown to enjoy your fratboy mentality a lot over the years. truly goes to show that you can be friends with anyone. I remember when you first fucked up your knee and everyone thought you were faking it. you sure showed them. sorry about the Eugene game last week. damn.
Amin - never really liked you. you seemed like a real dick in high school. that's just me, though. but then you moved into my house kinda out of nowhere and I realized how wrong I was. you're a p chill dude. and you can be funny sometimes. hope med school is going well. sorry your first year in the league is starting so shitty.
Scottie - I've known you for a p long time. you've always been super chill. that's just who you are. I'm not sure if you still live in NYC, but I always thought that made you kinda interesting. hope all is well.
Brooks - you've always been kind of a weirdo to me. but I've liked you regardless. I remember when you dislocated your shoulder throwing a dodgeball. doesn't seem like you've toughened up much. overheard you talking about how you do improv now. that's fucking weird.
Jeff - the hated one. I've always enjoyed the shit talking this league has bestowed upon you. but I've always admired your ability to look beyond it and continue on. but who knows, maybe your crying every night. whenever I think of you I think of almonds. and how much you hate gay people. fuck you, Jeff.
Crawford - the only reason I'm in this league. you're my ghost fantasy advisor. I wouldn't care about football if it wasn't for you. which isn't a whole lot. thanks for watching my dog when I'm out of town.
Wardo - the gentle giant. you're probably the sickest dude in this league. imo. you're also the one dude I've known the longest. hope Boston is treating you well. thanks for reminding me to do this stupid write up thing.
random thoughts.
Coby - you're a cool dude. I still know your number. 903-COBY. I remember our times on the football field and the track..... never thought I'd be doing a write up about you in a fantasy league in my mid-twenties. coby, where ever you are, hope the surfs good.
Trent - I pretty much saved your life. not really. but that's what I tell people. I still remember that fateful night. I was hanging with some chick and I saw your number pop up on my phone. I thought, why is he calling me and not Alex? I still don't know why I answered, but I'm glad I did. you're a weird but cool dude. you seem to know a lot about football, but your team still always sucks. anyway, hope med school or whatever the fuck you doing is sick.
Epstein - I don't know you. in my mind you look like Mike puncel (for those who know who that is) you seem like a pretty low key dude. I like that. I don't know why you tend to be so good in fantasy. but I could say the same about myself. I don't think we'll ever meet, but I'm okay with that.
Peter - I liked you more before fantasy. in middle school and high school I thought your were p cool, but now you just seem like a total douche. I could be wrong. didn't you go to school in riverside? that must have sucked. I'm going to kick your ass this week. that is all.
Rios - such an enigma to me. you always were p chill, but I never thought you were as cool as people made you out to be. my first encounter with you was in football and you were puking up eggs on the field. I've never forgotten that and have always been a little grossed out by you. seems like you're doing cool shit with usc now. I'm sure you're really proud of that.
Cory - never thought much of you. you were always that lacrosse kid that I never talked to. I'm a little surprise you like football so much. but you like my dog and you seem p chill right now in life. I've said more to you in the last 12 hours than I did throughout high school. you cool dude.
Joel - met you playing hockey. weird. you're a cool dude. you came to my show and bought a shirt. that was v sick. I forget what you're doing in Seattle, but it's dope you live there unlike most these nerds. sorry you're team sucks this year. but I'm sure you're used to it by now.
Frank - we were never close. I don't know why we ever would be. you were always just that soccer kid who happened to do track. I always forget you're in this league. I have no reason not to like you. but at the same time no reason to really think your too cool. so yeah.
Gowdy - I've grown to enjoy your fratboy mentality a lot over the years. truly goes to show that you can be friends with anyone. I remember when you first fucked up your knee and everyone thought you were faking it. you sure showed them. sorry about the Eugene game last week. damn.
Amin - never really liked you. you seemed like a real dick in high school. that's just me, though. but then you moved into my house kinda out of nowhere and I realized how wrong I was. you're a p chill dude. and you can be funny sometimes. hope med school is going well. sorry your first year in the league is starting so shitty.
Scottie - I've known you for a p long time. you've always been super chill. that's just who you are. I'm not sure if you still live in NYC, but I always thought that made you kinda interesting. hope all is well.
Brooks - you've always been kind of a weirdo to me. but I've liked you regardless. I remember when you dislocated your shoulder throwing a dodgeball. doesn't seem like you've toughened up much. overheard you talking about how you do improv now. that's fucking weird.
Jeff - the hated one. I've always enjoyed the shit talking this league has bestowed upon you. but I've always admired your ability to look beyond it and continue on. but who knows, maybe your crying every night. whenever I think of you I think of almonds. and how much you hate gay people. fuck you, Jeff.
Crawford - the only reason I'm in this league. you're my ghost fantasy advisor. I wouldn't care about football if it wasn't for you. which isn't a whole lot. thanks for watching my dog when I'm out of town.
Wardo - the gentle giant. you're probably the sickest dude in this league. imo. you're also the one dude I've known the longest. hope Boston is treating you well. thanks for reminding me to do this stupid write up thing.
A Kulan Conspiracy Special
by Alex Crawford
Jowl - Moon Landing Hoax (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_landing_conspiracy_theories) - To be honest, I couldn't tell you the last time Jowl's team was relevant. Because he's an OG member of the league, an alleged WiseMan, and a diehard sports fan, one wants to believe that his team is good. No matter what evidence of his team's suckitude is shoved in our face, we all kind of think Jowl is good. In the same vein, no matter how much evidence is presented that the moon landing was a hoax, I'm still gonna believe that we landed on that effing moon because we're America and that's bad ass.
Rios - Israeli Shark Attacks (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel-related_animal_conspiracy_theories#Shark_attacks) - I'm pretty sure this conspiracy theory is real and that Alex Rios had something to do with it. Also, he revels in the corruption that got this league to where it is today and will do whatever it takes to win although he's really more about the slime and corruption than the results.
Crawf - The Earth Is Flat - (http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/cms/) - At one time this was not a ridiculous thing to believe but rather was the ordained truth of the world and all the Kulan leaders. Nowadays, we've learned as a society that this is not the case and, seemingly, no one still believes that the Earth is flat. A few very stubborn (is that the right word?) people apparently continue to believe that our earth resembles a board game and not a globe and I'm sure their lives suffer because of it. Crawf's team and the principles that his team ran upon used to be cutting edge, relevant, and a winning formula but his Luddite ways in the fantasy world have left him in the dust.
Frank - The Moon Does Not Exist - (http://www.revisionism.nl/Moon/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm) - Does anyone even believe this? Even the most revered Kulan prophets think this is silly. Similarly, outside of an occasional scripted shit talking moment or a "Go Sounders!" is Frank relevant in this league? Does anyone believe in HIM?
Jeff - Obama Birth Certificate - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama_citizenship_conspiracy_theories) - The "Obama is Kenyan" conspiracy is the conspiracy that just won't go away. It will always be there annoying everyone on both party lines except for those who swear by it. It's incredibly stupid. Obama is almost out of office and at this point I think we would know if he was from Kenya or not. Also, who cares? Similarly, Jeff's team is the team that just won't go away. The only difference between Jeff's team and this conspiracy is that a lot more people believe Obama is from Kenya than like Jeff's team. Also, pretty sure Jeff is an Obama truther.
Scott Ward - JFK Assassination Conspiracies - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_F._Kennedy_assassination_conspiracy_theories) - Everyone loves JFK Assassination conspiracies. Everyone loves Wardo. JFK conspiracy theories are fun to talk about and it seems like a good chance there was a second shooter on that grassy knoll! Nothing more fun than getting together with boys and talkin' JFK gunshot wounds! Wardo is the commissioner who brought the league out of the dark ages and his team is harmless. What's not to like?
Amin - Next Week's Asteroid - (http://beforeitsnews.com/conspiracy-theories/2015/09/real-for-fake-leaked-nasa-memo-warns-of-asteroid-impact-on-one-of-largest-cities-in-us-on-september-28-2471806.html) - That new new. Amin is the newest member of the NMFFL and this has to be newest conspiracy theory out there (at least at the time that this was written because, let's be real, new prophecies are happening all the time we're just blind to them.)
Brooks - Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9/11_conspiracy_theories) - This seems to be our generation's version of the JFK assassination conspiracy. Very popular, very present in millennial culture. Could 9/11 have been an inside job? Sure. Will we ever know? No. Is it okay to publicly declare your belief in this theory? Yes, if you want to be labeled a psycho. Similarly, Brooks is the popular owner d'jour in the league because he beat Jeff in last year's title game but I still feel like Brooks is too fresh of a champion for me to come out and support wholeheartedly. It's cool to be a fan of his team in private but don't make it too public or you seem weak.
Gowdy - Obama Wants To Bring Ebola To America To Take Your Guns - (http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/five-crazy-conspiracy-theories-about-ebola-conservatives-actually-believe) - Gowdy's team is unpredictably average. He seems like a good fantasy owner (witty in group chat, creative memes, big sports fan) and his teams seem like they should be good (he plays in other leagues with his frat bros to sharpen his proverbial fantasy knife and works at a computer where he can check fantasy football updates) but in general his teams are very average. Last year he made the playoffs with a 3-9 record (WTF?). The year before that he went 5-7. He seems like he'd be good but he isn't. Similarly, it seems like Obama really wants Ebola to spread to the U.S. so he can take our guns but it just looks like it isn't happening.
Benny - Paul Is Dead - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_is_dead) - For some reason, individuals with access to television, the internet, smart phones, etc. continue to believe that Paul McCartney (age 73...allegedly) died in 1966. How does this conspiracy theory continue to exist? I have no idea. Similarly, Benny seems to hang around the NMFFL doing well enough to not get kicked out (playoffs last year, 2-0 talking shit this year) despite a complete lack of understanding fantasy football.
Peter - Chemtrails - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory) - See that contrail behind that airplane? Yeah, that's the government spraying chemicals on you. Not feeling well? Probably chemtrails. Lots of weird clouds in the sky? Oh yea, those are chemtrails. Chemtrails truthers will literally attribute anything and everything to chemtrails just like Peter will attribute anything and everything to someone else in the league being a douche. Pete loves to talk shit on EVERYONE'S team but his own. Maybe it's time he woke up and smelled the chemtrails.
Trent - GMOs- (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetically_modified_organism) - GMOs aren't a conspiracy theory at all but actually a reality of agriculture in the 21st century. For years hippies and Kulans alike have warned about the dangers of GMOs and a lot of the fears about them are coming true. GMOs and genetically modified lifeforms in general are kind of scary... kinda sucks to think about... just like it kinda sucks to make fun of Trent's team because literally every player is droppable and it hasn't been good in a really long time.
Scottie - Illuminati - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illuminati) - Ah yes, one of the four cornerstones of the Kulan way. Just as the Illumnati control everything and there's nothing we can do about it except brace ourselves for the end times, there's nothing Scottie can do about his team getting screwed and coming up just short in a big moment at some point every season.
Epstein - Obama Is The Anti-Christ - (http://www.beastobama.com) - Just like us good Kulans tried to rid our great land of the devil Obama in the last election, so did the NMFFL try to rid itself of Epstein at the winter owners' meeting but he came back and will soon be wreaking destruction upon our glorious league. Where's your birth certificate Epstein?
Kobe - False Flag conspiracy theories - (http://www.inquisitr.com/2188029/charleston-s-c-shooting-was-fbi-cia-false-flag-attack-after-obama-tried-to-nuke-charleston-conspiracy-theory/) - No matter what happens, every time there's a mass shooting in the U.S., someone will claim it's a false flag operation so that Obama can take our guns (seems that this Kulan prophecy is recurring). In the NMFFL, no matter what happens, as soon as the draft is over Kobe will begin offering shitty trades that make you dumber for having even considered them until the trade deadline hits.
Cory - Ahmed's Clock Was Actually A Bomb - (http://jezebel.com/a-roundup-of-conspiracy-theories-about-ahmed-mohameds-c-1732579692) - Like a young conspiracy theory ripe and ready to take off and make it into the upper echelons of Kulan prophecy, Cory (a relative newcomer to the league) looks like his team is ready to blow up (pun intended, sorry Ahmed). Only time will tell if his team is indeed the bomb.
Jowl - Moon Landing Hoax (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_landing_conspiracy_theories) - To be honest, I couldn't tell you the last time Jowl's team was relevant. Because he's an OG member of the league, an alleged WiseMan, and a diehard sports fan, one wants to believe that his team is good. No matter what evidence of his team's suckitude is shoved in our face, we all kind of think Jowl is good. In the same vein, no matter how much evidence is presented that the moon landing was a hoax, I'm still gonna believe that we landed on that effing moon because we're America and that's bad ass.
Rios - Israeli Shark Attacks (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel-related_animal_conspiracy_theories#Shark_attacks) - I'm pretty sure this conspiracy theory is real and that Alex Rios had something to do with it. Also, he revels in the corruption that got this league to where it is today and will do whatever it takes to win although he's really more about the slime and corruption than the results.
Crawf - The Earth Is Flat - (http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/cms/) - At one time this was not a ridiculous thing to believe but rather was the ordained truth of the world and all the Kulan leaders. Nowadays, we've learned as a society that this is not the case and, seemingly, no one still believes that the Earth is flat. A few very stubborn (is that the right word?) people apparently continue to believe that our earth resembles a board game and not a globe and I'm sure their lives suffer because of it. Crawf's team and the principles that his team ran upon used to be cutting edge, relevant, and a winning formula but his Luddite ways in the fantasy world have left him in the dust.
Frank - The Moon Does Not Exist - (http://www.revisionism.nl/Moon/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm) - Does anyone even believe this? Even the most revered Kulan prophets think this is silly. Similarly, outside of an occasional scripted shit talking moment or a "Go Sounders!" is Frank relevant in this league? Does anyone believe in HIM?
Jeff - Obama Birth Certificate - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama_citizenship_conspiracy_theories) - The "Obama is Kenyan" conspiracy is the conspiracy that just won't go away. It will always be there annoying everyone on both party lines except for those who swear by it. It's incredibly stupid. Obama is almost out of office and at this point I think we would know if he was from Kenya or not. Also, who cares? Similarly, Jeff's team is the team that just won't go away. The only difference between Jeff's team and this conspiracy is that a lot more people believe Obama is from Kenya than like Jeff's team. Also, pretty sure Jeff is an Obama truther.
Scott Ward - JFK Assassination Conspiracies - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_F._Kennedy_assassination_conspiracy_theories) - Everyone loves JFK Assassination conspiracies. Everyone loves Wardo. JFK conspiracy theories are fun to talk about and it seems like a good chance there was a second shooter on that grassy knoll! Nothing more fun than getting together with boys and talkin' JFK gunshot wounds! Wardo is the commissioner who brought the league out of the dark ages and his team is harmless. What's not to like?
Amin - Next Week's Asteroid - (http://beforeitsnews.com/conspiracy-theories/2015/09/real-for-fake-leaked-nasa-memo-warns-of-asteroid-impact-on-one-of-largest-cities-in-us-on-september-28-2471806.html) - That new new. Amin is the newest member of the NMFFL and this has to be newest conspiracy theory out there (at least at the time that this was written because, let's be real, new prophecies are happening all the time we're just blind to them.)
Brooks - Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9/11_conspiracy_theories) - This seems to be our generation's version of the JFK assassination conspiracy. Very popular, very present in millennial culture. Could 9/11 have been an inside job? Sure. Will we ever know? No. Is it okay to publicly declare your belief in this theory? Yes, if you want to be labeled a psycho. Similarly, Brooks is the popular owner d'jour in the league because he beat Jeff in last year's title game but I still feel like Brooks is too fresh of a champion for me to come out and support wholeheartedly. It's cool to be a fan of his team in private but don't make it too public or you seem weak.
Gowdy - Obama Wants To Bring Ebola To America To Take Your Guns - (http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/five-crazy-conspiracy-theories-about-ebola-conservatives-actually-believe) - Gowdy's team is unpredictably average. He seems like a good fantasy owner (witty in group chat, creative memes, big sports fan) and his teams seem like they should be good (he plays in other leagues with his frat bros to sharpen his proverbial fantasy knife and works at a computer where he can check fantasy football updates) but in general his teams are very average. Last year he made the playoffs with a 3-9 record (WTF?). The year before that he went 5-7. He seems like he'd be good but he isn't. Similarly, it seems like Obama really wants Ebola to spread to the U.S. so he can take our guns but it just looks like it isn't happening.
Benny - Paul Is Dead - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_is_dead) - For some reason, individuals with access to television, the internet, smart phones, etc. continue to believe that Paul McCartney (age 73...allegedly) died in 1966. How does this conspiracy theory continue to exist? I have no idea. Similarly, Benny seems to hang around the NMFFL doing well enough to not get kicked out (playoffs last year, 2-0 talking shit this year) despite a complete lack of understanding fantasy football.
Peter - Chemtrails - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory) - See that contrail behind that airplane? Yeah, that's the government spraying chemicals on you. Not feeling well? Probably chemtrails. Lots of weird clouds in the sky? Oh yea, those are chemtrails. Chemtrails truthers will literally attribute anything and everything to chemtrails just like Peter will attribute anything and everything to someone else in the league being a douche. Pete loves to talk shit on EVERYONE'S team but his own. Maybe it's time he woke up and smelled the chemtrails.
Trent - GMOs- (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetically_modified_organism) - GMOs aren't a conspiracy theory at all but actually a reality of agriculture in the 21st century. For years hippies and Kulans alike have warned about the dangers of GMOs and a lot of the fears about them are coming true. GMOs and genetically modified lifeforms in general are kind of scary... kinda sucks to think about... just like it kinda sucks to make fun of Trent's team because literally every player is droppable and it hasn't been good in a really long time.
Scottie - Illuminati - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illuminati) - Ah yes, one of the four cornerstones of the Kulan way. Just as the Illumnati control everything and there's nothing we can do about it except brace ourselves for the end times, there's nothing Scottie can do about his team getting screwed and coming up just short in a big moment at some point every season.
Epstein - Obama Is The Anti-Christ - (http://www.beastobama.com) - Just like us good Kulans tried to rid our great land of the devil Obama in the last election, so did the NMFFL try to rid itself of Epstein at the winter owners' meeting but he came back and will soon be wreaking destruction upon our glorious league. Where's your birth certificate Epstein?
Kobe - False Flag conspiracy theories - (http://www.inquisitr.com/2188029/charleston-s-c-shooting-was-fbi-cia-false-flag-attack-after-obama-tried-to-nuke-charleston-conspiracy-theory/) - No matter what happens, every time there's a mass shooting in the U.S., someone will claim it's a false flag operation so that Obama can take our guns (seems that this Kulan prophecy is recurring). In the NMFFL, no matter what happens, as soon as the draft is over Kobe will begin offering shitty trades that make you dumber for having even considered them until the trade deadline hits.
Cory - Ahmed's Clock Was Actually A Bomb - (http://jezebel.com/a-roundup-of-conspiracy-theories-about-ahmed-mohameds-c-1732579692) - Like a young conspiracy theory ripe and ready to take off and make it into the upper echelons of Kulan prophecy, Cory (a relative newcomer to the league) looks like his team is ready to blow up (pun intended, sorry Ahmed). Only time will tell if his team is indeed the bomb.
Quarterback Compliments
By Michael Epstein
It is so good to get back to football fellow NMFFL members. I missed football... a lot. This league is by far the most competitive, corrupt, and addictive league I have I had the luxury for of participating in. So how was the time off you ask? I had pretty tumultuous offseason with my league membership put up for a vote. Did I think was a serious crime by not attending the winter owners meetings? Of course not. Did I have a good reason? Of course – you try missing your Mom’s bday brunch for a fantasy football meeting. Did I think it was a joke? Of course I did… Until I got a panicked text from Trent saying that I needed to present my case.
Ultimately this proved to be a kangaroo court and a complete farce. But when you play in a league as corrupt as the NMFFL you have to prepare for the unexpected.
When thinking about this experience, I drew a lot of strength from the Golden Boy Tom Brady and his perseverance through the deflategate saga. Neither of us was forewarned of the punishment (4 games / membership removal). Neither of us knew exactly what we were being punished for.
Tommy and myself get a lot flack for the championships and smug attitude towards lesser teams. This kinship inspired me to compare everyone to a current starting NFL QB for the Week Two write up. There is no scientific reasoning behind these comparisons and they are mostly designed to be insulting. I’ll also declare a matchup of the week based on who I think has the most pivotal game. It’s good to be back boys. You can hate on greatness. But like Tom Brady, all that really matters in this league is championships. Please post your feedback and whines in the group text. Cheers to a great week of Fantasy Football Gentleman.
PK / Phillip Rivers - Big numbers ever year, but can’t remember the last time this team was a real threat. Said to be a notorious drinker and huge DGAFER. Also heard they dress pretty sharp.
Amin / Jameis Winston - Historic college raging careers (shout out UCSB), yet to be seen if that translates to pros. Terrible first week showing. Welcome to the bigs rookie.
Rios / Peyton Manning - Former champs who consider themselves the funniest players in the league (check out Peyton’s SNL skits). Will have a great career after football even though they are never touching another championship.
Cory / Tyrod Taylor - Really like these guys teams this year after being a non-factor in past. Poised for a breakout season, but can they live up to the hype after big week one victories?
Jeff / Russell Wilson - You almost felt bad for these guys (always sucking / third round pick) but now hate how cocky they have gotten after recent success. Most annoying players in the league.
Trent / Andrew Luck - Considered one of the smarter players in the league. They sometimes overthink their roles and cannot seem to get over the hump to fantasy glory. Also, can’t think of a two people who look more different.
Joel / Carson Palmer - Once well respected, now seems to just hang around. Both were pretty close once upon a time, (Joel in 09 / Palmer with the Bengals). Years of irrelevancy have taken its’ toll, but as an OG league member you have to respect their veteran know how.
Frank / Jay Cutler - Could they give less fucks if they tried?
Coby / Ryan Tannehill - Easy comparison with the team name. Both teams got off to a huge win after a really disappointing 2014 campaign. Make or break year to whether they will ever be considered elite players.
Brooks / Aaron Rodgers - Crazy how one ring turns around the narrative of a player. Brooks was looking a lot like Andy Dalton before that historic playoff run. Rodgers would be Tony Romo if he didn’t have that ring.
Scottie / Tony Romo - Speaking of Romo, this guy keeps having heartbreaking losses year after year in the playoffs. They are starting to get respect as an elite player now, but need to show it in the postseason.
Gowdy / Matthew Stafford - Are we sure they are actually good at (fantasy) football?
Wardo / Drew Brees - Wise, respected, and a former champ. One of the most boring and least controversial members. Tends to put up big numbers every year.
Crawf / Colin Kaepernick - Sketchiest looking players in the league (moustache for crawf / bicep tats for Kaep). Total boom or bust players, you never know if they are going to crush their opponent or lay an egg.
Benny / Blake Bortles - Pretty irrelevant to this point after their first season duds. Not really sure what we are getting with these guys. Could be out of the league in a couple years unless they figure this football thing out.
Game of the Week: Jamaa’ling Up with the Jones (1-0 / Proj 115) vs. T.Y. Sir, can I have another (0-1, Projected 94) - I really love the implications of this matchup - Can Franks new look team with Jamaal Charles pay dividends against Wardo’s pair of rookie RB’s? It is hard to dig yourself out of an 0-2 hole in this league and Wardo’s players could be on the tradeblock for a more established RB. I really like the trade from Frank’s POV, even with JC’s epic collapse last night. I think Frank pulls off the close victory here sending shockwaves throughout the NMFLL (hey, even Jay Cutler’s made the playoffs before)
It is so good to get back to football fellow NMFFL members. I missed football... a lot. This league is by far the most competitive, corrupt, and addictive league I have I had the luxury for of participating in. So how was the time off you ask? I had pretty tumultuous offseason with my league membership put up for a vote. Did I think was a serious crime by not attending the winter owners meetings? Of course not. Did I have a good reason? Of course – you try missing your Mom’s bday brunch for a fantasy football meeting. Did I think it was a joke? Of course I did… Until I got a panicked text from Trent saying that I needed to present my case.
Ultimately this proved to be a kangaroo court and a complete farce. But when you play in a league as corrupt as the NMFFL you have to prepare for the unexpected.
When thinking about this experience, I drew a lot of strength from the Golden Boy Tom Brady and his perseverance through the deflategate saga. Neither of us was forewarned of the punishment (4 games / membership removal). Neither of us knew exactly what we were being punished for.
Tommy and myself get a lot flack for the championships and smug attitude towards lesser teams. This kinship inspired me to compare everyone to a current starting NFL QB for the Week Two write up. There is no scientific reasoning behind these comparisons and they are mostly designed to be insulting. I’ll also declare a matchup of the week based on who I think has the most pivotal game. It’s good to be back boys. You can hate on greatness. But like Tom Brady, all that really matters in this league is championships. Please post your feedback and whines in the group text. Cheers to a great week of Fantasy Football Gentleman.
PK / Phillip Rivers - Big numbers ever year, but can’t remember the last time this team was a real threat. Said to be a notorious drinker and huge DGAFER. Also heard they dress pretty sharp.
Amin / Jameis Winston - Historic college raging careers (shout out UCSB), yet to be seen if that translates to pros. Terrible first week showing. Welcome to the bigs rookie.
Rios / Peyton Manning - Former champs who consider themselves the funniest players in the league (check out Peyton’s SNL skits). Will have a great career after football even though they are never touching another championship.
Cory / Tyrod Taylor - Really like these guys teams this year after being a non-factor in past. Poised for a breakout season, but can they live up to the hype after big week one victories?
Jeff / Russell Wilson - You almost felt bad for these guys (always sucking / third round pick) but now hate how cocky they have gotten after recent success. Most annoying players in the league.
Trent / Andrew Luck - Considered one of the smarter players in the league. They sometimes overthink their roles and cannot seem to get over the hump to fantasy glory. Also, can’t think of a two people who look more different.
Joel / Carson Palmer - Once well respected, now seems to just hang around. Both were pretty close once upon a time, (Joel in 09 / Palmer with the Bengals). Years of irrelevancy have taken its’ toll, but as an OG league member you have to respect their veteran know how.
Frank / Jay Cutler - Could they give less fucks if they tried?
Coby / Ryan Tannehill - Easy comparison with the team name. Both teams got off to a huge win after a really disappointing 2014 campaign. Make or break year to whether they will ever be considered elite players.
Brooks / Aaron Rodgers - Crazy how one ring turns around the narrative of a player. Brooks was looking a lot like Andy Dalton before that historic playoff run. Rodgers would be Tony Romo if he didn’t have that ring.
Scottie / Tony Romo - Speaking of Romo, this guy keeps having heartbreaking losses year after year in the playoffs. They are starting to get respect as an elite player now, but need to show it in the postseason.
Gowdy / Matthew Stafford - Are we sure they are actually good at (fantasy) football?
Wardo / Drew Brees - Wise, respected, and a former champ. One of the most boring and least controversial members. Tends to put up big numbers every year.
Crawf / Colin Kaepernick - Sketchiest looking players in the league (moustache for crawf / bicep tats for Kaep). Total boom or bust players, you never know if they are going to crush their opponent or lay an egg.
Benny / Blake Bortles - Pretty irrelevant to this point after their first season duds. Not really sure what we are getting with these guys. Could be out of the league in a couple years unless they figure this football thing out.
Game of the Week: Jamaa’ling Up with the Jones (1-0 / Proj 115) vs. T.Y. Sir, can I have another (0-1, Projected 94) - I really love the implications of this matchup - Can Franks new look team with Jamaal Charles pay dividends against Wardo’s pair of rookie RB’s? It is hard to dig yourself out of an 0-2 hole in this league and Wardo’s players could be on the tradeblock for a more established RB. I really like the trade from Frank’s POV, even with JC’s epic collapse last night. I think Frank pulls off the close victory here sending shockwaves throughout the NMFLL (hey, even Jay Cutler’s made the playoffs before)
Interdivisional Conquest: Act I - A Drinking Game by Brooks Clark
By Brooks Clark
It was proposed that it would be fun throughout the season to come up with scenarios pitting the two divisions against one another. The one that resonated with me the most for this first week: drinking contest. My analysis:
ROSTERS
Bitchez
Brooks: Spends a lot of time out on the water and in the sun sailing, an activity heavily associated with drinking. His body is trained to be able to drink large quantities despite a shellacking from UV rays. Comes from strong pipeline collegiate program in the south.
Jeff: No one can say for sure what it is that Jeff drinks, if even at all, but a source claims to see Jeff frequently refilling a large growler with XXX on it, (like literally the ones you used to see in cartoons) with some high gravity home brewed hipster shit behind the Almond store.
Scottie: The kind of guy who still brags about his beer mile time from 2009. Not sure if his time living in NYC helped or hurt his game. Potential break through candidate now that he's back in an area where drinks aren't $17.
Eppy: Not too much footage on this kid, but with a team name like Three Pumps, I cant imagine this guy suffers from Whiskey Dick too often folks. Not the kind of player I'd want on my team.
PK: Frequent Vegas trips keep his tolerance at arguably the highest level in the league. Like Brooks, lots of sun time keep his body well trained for high volumes.
Frank: Yea I have no idea.
Coby: Same story as Brooks/PK. Lots of time outside surfing and fishing. Frequent inhalation and chemical exposure to resin and fiberglass at the Marko shop keeps his liver constantly working. #NoDaysOff
Amin: I like what Amin can bring to the table. Some say he actually can store alcohol in his beard in the same way camels store water, which makes him the biggest wildcard in the league. Him being a literal doctor means he can stick his team with IVs, which erases the threat of a hangover. Nothing scarier than a team who doesn't worry about the consequences of their actions.
Hoez
Gowdy: Plays a character named Hank Kegstand. He shares his name with literally the greatest slammer of all time: Hank Aaron.
Joel: Living in Seattle makes me think this guy would be the favorite in a coffee drinking, grunge rock contest. But I've seen him in action. Kid rolled up to my house this summer with a few 36s, and were not just talking about his girlfriends waist size.
Benny: Unless were drinking gluten-free vegan beer, I just don't see Benny contributing that much. That being said, if were drinking gluten-free vegan beer, need Ben #1 overall.
Trent: Feisty and scrappy. Certainly can see him contributing on a winning team. Pace is an issue, as drinking is an endurance game.
Rios: Has this guy even left college? Still hanging around the party atmosphere at SC makes Rios one of the premier players in the contest. Tall(est?) member of the league makes him a volume threat.
Scott: Largest member of the NMFFL, which like Rios, makes Scott a volume threat. Not a question of if he can drink a case by himself, but how many? The commissioner is built like a cow and I udder-ly think that it's more than milk that this kid puts down his gullet.
Cory: Does he still have a manbun? Ecology? More like EEK-ology. When this guys not surrounded by salt water, he's drinking like a fish. Great 6th man on this team.
Crawf: A kind of person who takes down more 40s than a time-keeper at the combine folks. Put Crawf in a Raiders jersey and he becomes that bigger of a threat.
Conclusion: I think that this one would be close early on, but conditioning and endurance will keep the Hoez chugging along right until the end.
Last man standing on each team: PK / Ward
Disagree? Agree? Let's hear your take. Voice it in the comment section.
It was proposed that it would be fun throughout the season to come up with scenarios pitting the two divisions against one another. The one that resonated with me the most for this first week: drinking contest. My analysis:
ROSTERS
Bitchez
Brooks: Spends a lot of time out on the water and in the sun sailing, an activity heavily associated with drinking. His body is trained to be able to drink large quantities despite a shellacking from UV rays. Comes from strong pipeline collegiate program in the south.
Jeff: No one can say for sure what it is that Jeff drinks, if even at all, but a source claims to see Jeff frequently refilling a large growler with XXX on it, (like literally the ones you used to see in cartoons) with some high gravity home brewed hipster shit behind the Almond store.
Scottie: The kind of guy who still brags about his beer mile time from 2009. Not sure if his time living in NYC helped or hurt his game. Potential break through candidate now that he's back in an area where drinks aren't $17.
Eppy: Not too much footage on this kid, but with a team name like Three Pumps, I cant imagine this guy suffers from Whiskey Dick too often folks. Not the kind of player I'd want on my team.
PK: Frequent Vegas trips keep his tolerance at arguably the highest level in the league. Like Brooks, lots of sun time keep his body well trained for high volumes.
Frank: Yea I have no idea.
Coby: Same story as Brooks/PK. Lots of time outside surfing and fishing. Frequent inhalation and chemical exposure to resin and fiberglass at the Marko shop keeps his liver constantly working. #NoDaysOff
Amin: I like what Amin can bring to the table. Some say he actually can store alcohol in his beard in the same way camels store water, which makes him the biggest wildcard in the league. Him being a literal doctor means he can stick his team with IVs, which erases the threat of a hangover. Nothing scarier than a team who doesn't worry about the consequences of their actions.
Hoez
Gowdy: Plays a character named Hank Kegstand. He shares his name with literally the greatest slammer of all time: Hank Aaron.
Joel: Living in Seattle makes me think this guy would be the favorite in a coffee drinking, grunge rock contest. But I've seen him in action. Kid rolled up to my house this summer with a few 36s, and were not just talking about his girlfriends waist size.
Benny: Unless were drinking gluten-free vegan beer, I just don't see Benny contributing that much. That being said, if were drinking gluten-free vegan beer, need Ben #1 overall.
Trent: Feisty and scrappy. Certainly can see him contributing on a winning team. Pace is an issue, as drinking is an endurance game.
Rios: Has this guy even left college? Still hanging around the party atmosphere at SC makes Rios one of the premier players in the contest. Tall(est?) member of the league makes him a volume threat.
Scott: Largest member of the NMFFL, which like Rios, makes Scott a volume threat. Not a question of if he can drink a case by himself, but how many? The commissioner is built like a cow and I udder-ly think that it's more than milk that this kid puts down his gullet.
Cory: Does he still have a manbun? Ecology? More like EEK-ology. When this guys not surrounded by salt water, he's drinking like a fish. Great 6th man on this team.
Crawf: A kind of person who takes down more 40s than a time-keeper at the combine folks. Put Crawf in a Raiders jersey and he becomes that bigger of a threat.
Conclusion: I think that this one would be close early on, but conditioning and endurance will keep the Hoez chugging along right until the end.
Last man standing on each team: PK / Ward
Disagree? Agree? Let's hear your take. Voice it in the comment section.
2015 NMFFL Preseason PeeRanks
1 — Valar Morghulis — It may seem like a cop out to but Broox’s team in the number one spot because he’s the reigning champ, the people’s champ, a likable winner for the first time in league history, etc. etc. but seriously, look at his team. DeMarco Murray and LeSean McCoy are easily the best RB duo in the NMFFL (even if LeSean McCoy is a complete idiot). A weak bench and the curse of the no-name change are the only two things that will keep Broox from a repeat trip to the playoffs.
2 — Steve Smith’s Lunch Money — Cory is what I like to think of as an expansion member of the league… not an OG member but a guy who’s come in over the last 5 years and stuck around. He’s been getting a little better each year he’s been in the NMFFL and this is the year I think he pops. His biggest weakness is quarterback but he’s got solid running backs, depth at WR, and I think this is the year the LaDarius B.I.G. lives up to the hype.
3-- Dr. Tannehill's Retirment Home -- I'm not going to lie, I don't get the reference here. What does this team name refer to outside of Ryan Tannehill's last name? Anyways, I think Coby should be cursed by the fantasy gods for not drafting Cam Newton but in my opinion he picked a good year to avoid the former National Championship winning QB (beat the Ducks). As long as Coby stops offering dumb ass trades, he will live long enough to make the playoffs.
4— Three Pumps — We tried to kick him out of the league but he came back and drafted a team that, IMHO, will make the playoffs. Michael Epstein lives in the shadows and is only known by 6 members of the league BUT we would all be huge pussies if we kicked him out because his team is good. I see zero holes in this team’s starting lineup but the bench is weak AF and if anyone on this team misses significant time, Eppy is UTCWOAP (up the creek w/o a paddle).
5 -- Your Tears Will Phillip Rivers -- I like Jowl's bench almost as much as his starting lineup which is a reminder that the season is a marathon not a sprint. Having Arian Foster come off the IR in a few weeks will be niceeee and, oh, if he sucks, Jowl has Alfred Blue too. Negative points for a repurposed team name and because the Zags suck.
6-- C.H.A.F. City Ass Sleeves -- The new guy immediately won me over with his chill ass team name and his squad ain't half bad either. Three starting running backs & a Sam Bradford who some are predicting will have MVP caliber season makes this a playoff team BUT Amin is a newcomer and I seriously question his mental fortitude during the rigors of the NMFFL season.
7 — The Big LeKowski’s — Not only did Benny draft this team all by himself but they also don’t suck. The bench is always an issue with any of Benny Ward’s teams (he struggles with late round picks and waiver wire pick ups) but the combo of Andrew Luck and Gronk makes my mouth water (and not just because of Gronk’s bro-lifestyle & Andrew Luck’s relatable neck beard). Also, I’m a self admitted Crow-Hoe.
8 -- Ty Sir, Cam I Have Another? -- I want to like this team. Electing Wardo as commish has ushered this league into a renaissance of sorts and this team has names that pop. Ameer Abdullah, Randall Cobb, Alshon Jeffrey, and Cam Newton are exciting but they’re also a rookie, two banged up dudes, and a QB with literally NO ONE to throw to. I want to like this team but I can’t go all in on them until they show me something
9-- Dub Sack of Grams -- Gowdy's team and Wardo's team are the same to me. I'll call them the Missouri Teams because much like how Missouri is the Show Me State, these are the Show Me Teams. Lot's of big play potential w/ Big Ben, DeMaryius, and Jimmy Graham but also a lot of question marks -- who will emerge from St. Louis' backfield, will Jimmy Graham drink enough nano-water to be successful in Seattle, etc.
10 -- Jamaal'ing Up With The Joneses -- You sir are a mouthful! Not the easiest team name to roll off the tongue but I like this lineup outside of the running back position. This might be the most average team in the league. Decent receivers, good QB, and below average running backs = welcome to mediocrity.
11 -- Cleveland Steamers -- I like three players on this team A LOT: Tom Brady, DeAndre Hopkins, and Jeremy Hill. The rest of this team is more mediocre than a CoCo's breakfast and the Cleveland Steamers will be nothing more than spoilers this year. Also, the Rausch Curse.
12 -- My Name is Jeff — The most hated team in league looks like it will back down to earth this year after flying a little too close to the sun in seasons past. Outside of two stud running backs (Lamar Miller will be top-10 this year), I see no reason why this team will make the playoffs. This is a team of unknowns and I think they will finish the season unknown and not on anyone’s radar.
13 -- Breez Nutz -- This team is all Ferraris and you know what happens to Ferraris? They look really cool in your garage and they're incredible machines but they break down easily and require constant maintenance. Sammy Watkins = Ferrari. Nate Washington = Ferrari. Victor Cruz = broken down ass Ferrari. Giovanni Bernard's brother went to OSU but Jeremy Hill is taking too many touches in Cincy to make me believe in Bernard.
14 -- Andre's Royal Johnson -- Crawford did it again, he reached with one player (Brandin Cooks, last year it was Julius Thomas) and now he has to start Buck Allen at running back (only one game until Blount comes back but still, Blount is a Patriot RB). If Cooks can have the Antonio Brown type season Crawford thinks he can then this team is a playoff sleeper, if not Crawford is hoping for injuries to the starting RBs in Denver and Minny.
15 -- Yeezy 2020 -- Never knew Trent to be a politically minded Kayne West fan but he is the second most hated team in the league so I’m sure he will chalk this low ranking up to another example of “the haters making him famous.” Charles Johnson, Andrew Hawkins, and Harry Douglas are definitely the least intimidating WRs in the league and unless this team can find a way to acquire Adrian Peterson, they ain’t making the playoffs.
16 -- Drake's New Favorite Team -- Speaking of players that do NOT intimidate, who the f**k are Scottie's running backs? I thought my RBs were weak but holy sh*t, Knile Davis and Karlos Williams? Seriously Scottie?
2 — Steve Smith’s Lunch Money — Cory is what I like to think of as an expansion member of the league… not an OG member but a guy who’s come in over the last 5 years and stuck around. He’s been getting a little better each year he’s been in the NMFFL and this is the year I think he pops. His biggest weakness is quarterback but he’s got solid running backs, depth at WR, and I think this is the year the LaDarius B.I.G. lives up to the hype.
3-- Dr. Tannehill's Retirment Home -- I'm not going to lie, I don't get the reference here. What does this team name refer to outside of Ryan Tannehill's last name? Anyways, I think Coby should be cursed by the fantasy gods for not drafting Cam Newton but in my opinion he picked a good year to avoid the former National Championship winning QB (beat the Ducks). As long as Coby stops offering dumb ass trades, he will live long enough to make the playoffs.
4— Three Pumps — We tried to kick him out of the league but he came back and drafted a team that, IMHO, will make the playoffs. Michael Epstein lives in the shadows and is only known by 6 members of the league BUT we would all be huge pussies if we kicked him out because his team is good. I see zero holes in this team’s starting lineup but the bench is weak AF and if anyone on this team misses significant time, Eppy is UTCWOAP (up the creek w/o a paddle).
5 -- Your Tears Will Phillip Rivers -- I like Jowl's bench almost as much as his starting lineup which is a reminder that the season is a marathon not a sprint. Having Arian Foster come off the IR in a few weeks will be niceeee and, oh, if he sucks, Jowl has Alfred Blue too. Negative points for a repurposed team name and because the Zags suck.
6-- C.H.A.F. City Ass Sleeves -- The new guy immediately won me over with his chill ass team name and his squad ain't half bad either. Three starting running backs & a Sam Bradford who some are predicting will have MVP caliber season makes this a playoff team BUT Amin is a newcomer and I seriously question his mental fortitude during the rigors of the NMFFL season.
7 — The Big LeKowski’s — Not only did Benny draft this team all by himself but they also don’t suck. The bench is always an issue with any of Benny Ward’s teams (he struggles with late round picks and waiver wire pick ups) but the combo of Andrew Luck and Gronk makes my mouth water (and not just because of Gronk’s bro-lifestyle & Andrew Luck’s relatable neck beard). Also, I’m a self admitted Crow-Hoe.
8 -- Ty Sir, Cam I Have Another? -- I want to like this team. Electing Wardo as commish has ushered this league into a renaissance of sorts and this team has names that pop. Ameer Abdullah, Randall Cobb, Alshon Jeffrey, and Cam Newton are exciting but they’re also a rookie, two banged up dudes, and a QB with literally NO ONE to throw to. I want to like this team but I can’t go all in on them until they show me something
9-- Dub Sack of Grams -- Gowdy's team and Wardo's team are the same to me. I'll call them the Missouri Teams because much like how Missouri is the Show Me State, these are the Show Me Teams. Lot's of big play potential w/ Big Ben, DeMaryius, and Jimmy Graham but also a lot of question marks -- who will emerge from St. Louis' backfield, will Jimmy Graham drink enough nano-water to be successful in Seattle, etc.
10 -- Jamaal'ing Up With The Joneses -- You sir are a mouthful! Not the easiest team name to roll off the tongue but I like this lineup outside of the running back position. This might be the most average team in the league. Decent receivers, good QB, and below average running backs = welcome to mediocrity.
11 -- Cleveland Steamers -- I like three players on this team A LOT: Tom Brady, DeAndre Hopkins, and Jeremy Hill. The rest of this team is more mediocre than a CoCo's breakfast and the Cleveland Steamers will be nothing more than spoilers this year. Also, the Rausch Curse.
12 -- My Name is Jeff — The most hated team in league looks like it will back down to earth this year after flying a little too close to the sun in seasons past. Outside of two stud running backs (Lamar Miller will be top-10 this year), I see no reason why this team will make the playoffs. This is a team of unknowns and I think they will finish the season unknown and not on anyone’s radar.
13 -- Breez Nutz -- This team is all Ferraris and you know what happens to Ferraris? They look really cool in your garage and they're incredible machines but they break down easily and require constant maintenance. Sammy Watkins = Ferrari. Nate Washington = Ferrari. Victor Cruz = broken down ass Ferrari. Giovanni Bernard's brother went to OSU but Jeremy Hill is taking too many touches in Cincy to make me believe in Bernard.
14 -- Andre's Royal Johnson -- Crawford did it again, he reached with one player (Brandin Cooks, last year it was Julius Thomas) and now he has to start Buck Allen at running back (only one game until Blount comes back but still, Blount is a Patriot RB). If Cooks can have the Antonio Brown type season Crawford thinks he can then this team is a playoff sleeper, if not Crawford is hoping for injuries to the starting RBs in Denver and Minny.
15 -- Yeezy 2020 -- Never knew Trent to be a politically minded Kayne West fan but he is the second most hated team in the league so I’m sure he will chalk this low ranking up to another example of “the haters making him famous.” Charles Johnson, Andrew Hawkins, and Harry Douglas are definitely the least intimidating WRs in the league and unless this team can find a way to acquire Adrian Peterson, they ain’t making the playoffs.
16 -- Drake's New Favorite Team -- Speaking of players that do NOT intimidate, who the f**k are Scottie's running backs? I thought my RBs were weak but holy sh*t, Knile Davis and Karlos Williams? Seriously Scottie?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)