By Brooks Clark
It was proposed that it would be fun throughout the season to come up with scenarios pitting the two divisions against one another. The one that resonated with me the most for this first week: drinking contest. My analysis:
ROSTERS
Bitchez
Brooks: Spends a lot of time out on the water and in the sun sailing, an activity heavily associated with drinking. His body is trained to be able to drink large quantities despite a shellacking from UV rays. Comes from strong pipeline collegiate program in the south.
Jeff: No one can say for sure what it is that Jeff drinks, if even at all, but a source claims to see Jeff frequently refilling a large growler with XXX on it, (like literally the ones you used to see in cartoons) with some high gravity home brewed hipster shit behind the Almond store.
Scottie: The kind of guy who still brags about his beer mile time from 2009. Not sure if his time living in NYC helped or hurt his game. Potential break through candidate now that he's back in an area where drinks aren't $17.
Eppy: Not too much footage on this kid, but with a team name like Three Pumps, I cant imagine this guy suffers from Whiskey Dick too often folks. Not the kind of player I'd want on my team.
PK: Frequent Vegas trips keep his tolerance at arguably the highest level in the league. Like Brooks, lots of sun time keep his body well trained for high volumes.
Frank: Yea I have no idea.
Coby: Same story as Brooks/PK. Lots of time outside surfing and fishing. Frequent inhalation and chemical exposure to resin and fiberglass at the Marko shop keeps his liver constantly working. #NoDaysOff
Amin: I like what Amin can bring to the table. Some say he actually can store alcohol in his beard in the same way camels store water, which makes him the biggest wildcard in the league. Him being a literal doctor means he can stick his team with IVs, which erases the threat of a hangover. Nothing scarier than a team who doesn't worry about the consequences of their actions.
Hoez
Gowdy: Plays a character named Hank Kegstand. He shares his name with literally the greatest slammer of all time: Hank Aaron.
Joel: Living in Seattle makes me think this guy would be the favorite in a coffee drinking, grunge rock contest. But I've seen him in action. Kid rolled up to my house this summer with a few 36s, and were not just talking about his girlfriends waist size.
Benny: Unless were drinking gluten-free vegan beer, I just don't see Benny contributing that much. That being said, if were drinking gluten-free vegan beer, need Ben #1 overall.
Trent: Feisty and scrappy. Certainly can see him contributing on a winning team. Pace is an issue, as drinking is an endurance game.
Rios: Has this guy even left college? Still hanging around the party atmosphere at SC makes Rios one of the premier players in the contest. Tall(est?) member of the league makes him a volume threat.
Scott: Largest member of the NMFFL, which like Rios, makes Scott a volume threat. Not a question of if he can drink a case by himself, but how many? The commissioner is built like a cow and I udder-ly think that it's more than milk that this kid puts down his gullet.
Cory: Does he still have a manbun? Ecology? More like EEK-ology. When this guys not surrounded by salt water, he's drinking like a fish. Great 6th man on this team.
Crawf: A kind of person who takes down more 40s than a time-keeper at the combine folks. Put Crawf in a Raiders jersey and he becomes that bigger of a threat.
Conclusion: I think that this one would be close early on, but conditioning and endurance will keep the Hoez chugging along right until the end.
Last man standing on each team: PK / Ward
Disagree? Agree? Let's hear your take. Voice it in the comment section.
No comments:
Post a Comment