A Kulan Conspiracy Special

by Alex Crawford

Jowl - Moon Landing Hoax (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_landing_conspiracy_theories) - To be honest, I couldn't tell you the last time Jowl's team was relevant. Because he's an OG member of the league, an alleged WiseMan, and a diehard sports fan, one wants to believe that his team is good. No matter what evidence of his team's suckitude is shoved in our face, we all kind of think Jowl is good. In the same vein, no matter how much evidence is presented that the moon landing was a hoax, I'm still gonna believe that we landed on that effing moon because we're America and that's bad ass.

Rios - Israeli Shark Attacks (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel-related_animal_conspiracy_theories#Shark_attacks) - I'm pretty sure this conspiracy theory is real and that Alex Rios had something to do with it. Also, he revels in the corruption that got this league to where it is today and will do whatever it takes to win although he's really more about the slime and corruption than the results.

Crawf - The Earth Is Flat - (http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/cms/) - At one time this was not a ridiculous thing to believe but rather was the ordained truth of the world and all the Kulan leaders. Nowadays, we've learned as a society that this is not the case and, seemingly, no one still believes that the Earth is flat. A few very stubborn (is that the right word?) people apparently continue to believe that our earth resembles a board game and not a globe and I'm sure their lives suffer because of it. Crawf's team and the principles that his team ran upon used to be cutting edge, relevant, and a winning formula but his Luddite ways in the fantasy world have left him in the dust.

Frank - The Moon Does Not Exist - (http://www.revisionism.nl/Moon/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm) - Does anyone even believe this? Even the most revered Kulan prophets think this is silly. Similarly, outside of an occasional scripted shit talking moment or a "Go Sounders!" is Frank relevant in this league? Does anyone believe in HIM?

Jeff - Obama Birth Certificate - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama_citizenship_conspiracy_theories) - The "Obama is Kenyan" conspiracy is the conspiracy that just won't go away. It will always be there annoying everyone on both party lines except for those who swear by it. It's incredibly stupid. Obama is almost out of office and at this point I think we would know if he was from Kenya or not. Also, who cares? Similarly, Jeff's team is the team that just won't go away. The only difference between Jeff's team and this conspiracy is that a lot more people believe Obama is from Kenya than like Jeff's team. Also, pretty sure Jeff is an Obama truther.

Scott Ward - JFK Assassination Conspiracies - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_F._Kennedy_assassination_conspiracy_theories) - Everyone loves JFK Assassination conspiracies. Everyone loves Wardo. JFK conspiracy theories are fun to talk about and it seems like a good chance there was a second shooter on that grassy knoll! Nothing more fun than getting together with boys and talkin' JFK gunshot wounds! Wardo is the commissioner who brought the league out of the dark ages and his team is harmless. What's not to like?

Amin - Next Week's Asteroid - (http://beforeitsnews.com/conspiracy-theories/2015/09/real-for-fake-leaked-nasa-memo-warns-of-asteroid-impact-on-one-of-largest-cities-in-us-on-september-28-2471806.html) - That new new. Amin is the newest member of the NMFFL and this has to be newest conspiracy theory out there (at least at the time that this was written because, let's be real, new prophecies are happening all the time we're just blind to them.)

Brooks - Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9/11_conspiracy_theories) - This seems to be our generation's version of the JFK assassination conspiracy. Very popular, very present in millennial culture. Could 9/11 have been an inside job? Sure. Will we ever know? No. Is it okay to publicly declare your belief in this theory? Yes, if you want to be labeled a psycho. Similarly, Brooks is the popular owner d'jour in the league because he beat Jeff in last year's title game but I still feel like Brooks is too fresh of a champion for me to come out and support wholeheartedly. It's cool to be a fan of his team in private but don't make it too public or you seem weak.

Gowdy - Obama Wants To Bring Ebola To America To Take Your Guns - (http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/five-crazy-conspiracy-theories-about-ebola-conservatives-actually-believe) - Gowdy's team is unpredictably average. He seems like a good fantasy owner (witty in group chat, creative memes, big sports fan) and his teams seem like they should be good (he plays in other leagues with his frat bros to sharpen his proverbial fantasy knife and works at a computer where he can check fantasy football updates) but in general his teams are very average. Last year he made the playoffs with a 3-9 record (WTF?). The year before that he went 5-7. He seems like he'd be good but he isn't. Similarly, it seems like Obama really wants Ebola to spread to the U.S. so he can take our guns but it just looks like it isn't happening.

Benny - Paul Is Dead - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_is_dead) - For some reason, individuals with access to television, the internet, smart phones, etc. continue to believe that Paul McCartney (age 73...allegedly) died in 1966. How does this conspiracy theory continue to exist? I have no idea. Similarly, Benny seems to hang around the NMFFL doing well enough to not get kicked out (playoffs last year, 2-0 talking shit this year) despite a complete lack of understanding fantasy football.

Peter - Chemtrails - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory) - See that contrail behind that airplane? Yeah, that's the government spraying chemicals on you. Not feeling well? Probably chemtrails. Lots of weird clouds in the sky? Oh yea, those are chemtrails. Chemtrails truthers will literally attribute anything and everything to chemtrails just like Peter will attribute anything and everything to someone else in the league being a douche. Pete loves to talk shit on EVERYONE'S team but his own. Maybe it's time he woke up and smelled the chemtrails.

Trent - GMOs- (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetically_modified_organism) - GMOs aren't a conspiracy theory at all but actually a reality of agriculture in the 21st century. For years hippies and Kulans alike have warned about the dangers of GMOs and a lot of the fears about them are coming true. GMOs and genetically modified lifeforms in general are kind of scary... kinda sucks to think about... just like it kinda sucks to make fun of Trent's team because literally every player is droppable and it hasn't been good in a really long time.

Scottie - Illuminati - (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illuminati) - Ah yes, one of the four cornerstones of the Kulan way. Just as the Illumnati control everything and there's nothing we can do about it except brace ourselves for the end times, there's nothing Scottie can do about his team getting screwed and coming up just short in a big moment at some point every season.

Epstein - Obama Is The Anti-Christ - (http://www.beastobama.com) - Just like us good Kulans tried to rid our great land of the devil Obama in the last election, so did the NMFFL try to rid itself of Epstein at the winter owners' meeting but he came back and will soon be wreaking destruction upon our glorious league. Where's your birth certificate Epstein?

Kobe - False Flag conspiracy theories - (http://www.inquisitr.com/2188029/charleston-s-c-shooting-was-fbi-cia-false-flag-attack-after-obama-tried-to-nuke-charleston-conspiracy-theory/) - No matter what happens, every time there's a mass shooting in the U.S., someone will claim it's a false flag operation so that Obama can take our guns (seems that this Kulan prophecy is recurring). In the NMFFL, no matter what happens, as soon as the draft is over Kobe will begin offering shitty trades that make you dumber for having even considered them until the trade deadline hits.

Cory - Ahmed's Clock Was Actually A Bomb - (http://jezebel.com/a-roundup-of-conspiracy-theories-about-ahmed-mohameds-c-1732579692) - Like a young conspiracy theory ripe and ready to take off and make it into the upper echelons of Kulan prophecy, Cory (a relative newcomer to the league) looks like his team is ready to blow up (pun intended, sorry Ahmed). Only time will tell if his team is indeed the bomb.